Twelve Important Family Skills	Custom Search
	by Laurie Simons MA Licensed Mental Health Counselor In my work with hundreds of families, I have discovered something very interesting.  I can spend hours with parents talking about parenting.  I can spend hours with a child in individual therapy.  But when I spend just one hour with an entire family, I learn so much more than all the other hours put together, just by observing family interactions.   During these observations, I have identified twelve important family skills that are present in families that are getting along well.    Each one of the skills builds on the previous one, so that each skill is, for the most part, learned in sequence.   Many families are not teaching these skills on purpose, it just works out that these are the skills practiced in day to day life from infancy through adolescence.  When families are having trouble getting along, it is usually because some of the skills are not in place.   In this series of articles, we will explore each one of the skills, why they are important, and how they are learned.
	FEATURED ARTICLE FEELING SAFE AND RELAXED (TRUSTING):  The first, and most basic skill of all Feeling safe and relaxed (trusting) is a skill that includes the ability to stay calm and relaxed, even when faced with new experiences.  Some people call this self regulation.  Because infants are totally dependent on the care of adults (parents) to meet their needs, their skill in trusting is built when they have repeated experiences of their needs being met.   As they grow, they begin to find ways to meet their own needs.  For example, they find their hand to suck on to soothe themselves when they begin to feel fretful.  It is in the interaction with a caring adult that an infant’s brain develops the ability to regulate strong emotions, and remain calm and alert in the face of new experiences.  This calm and alert state is what allows for learning to take place, friendships to be formed, and problems to be solved as the child grows up to be an adult.   Feeling Safe and Relaxed (Trusting) is the foundation for all other social skills.  If there is an interruption in the cycle of care for an infant, one of the outcomes can be a child whose emotions are not regulated.  This child might over-react with yelling, crying, refusing to follow directions, and possibly aggression.  Or the child might under-react by shutting down, becoming quiet, not responding to others, and possibly lying or stealing in sneaky ways.  Sometimes these effects are called Attachment Disorder.   Each family member has his or her own space, identity, opinions, and feelings.  In order to feel safe, s/he must create a self boundary which protects and nurtures these individual differences.  In order to trust and respect others, an individual must first develop a sense of self.  This happens as a matter of course in development from infancy into an autonomous person.  At first, an infant shares the protective boundary of a caring parent .  Gradually, the child grows and develops his or her own identity and self boundary.  If early trust has been disrupted, an individual may lack the ability to set a safe self boundary, or alternatively s/he may build an impenetrable (if invisible) shield around him/herself.  The skill of Feeling Safe and Relaxed (Trusting) means exploring ways to establish a safe boundary that defines the self and thus creates the potential for contributing to and receiving from others.	Books: Taking No for an Answer and Other Skills Children Need:  Fifty Games to Teach Family Skills by Laurie Simons MA Subscribe to our mailing list and we will let you know when further articles are added to our site.  Your contact information will not be shared with anyone.